blueofthebay: (fairy tales: sometimes)
[personal profile] blueofthebay

You know, I used to keep a diary because it would force me to be honest.  I wrote in it every day for two years of high school, and put in everything: how I felt, what I did, mistakes I made, fights I had. 

And LJ used to be good for that, too.  For a long time I put everything in here, and then I just...stopped.

There's a lot I've been meaning to put down for the last year, and I haven't, because writing it down forces me to be honest, and I haven't wanted to be honest about the way my life has gone, lately.  So I buried myself in one game, and then another, and TV shows and movies and pretended like everything was fine, but now it's all falling apart, so it's time for a little honesty.

A little over a month ago, I went home to Deerfield for my 10 year reunion.  Z came with me.  The week after, I went home again, this time for a job interview, which didn't work out.  Two weeks ago, I went back for one more, and this one seems like it will work out, which is fantastic in almost every way: it would be up to an thirteen thousand dollar raise, it would be in a place I love, near my family, where there are a million people my age.  There would be the chance to play music, and write.  There's the chance to do something I've wanted to do for years, and join the Reserves.

But if I take this job and move home, Z and I will break up, because he's not willing to move.

We've been together for four and half years.  We've been through all kinds of crap, and had so many amazing times.  I love him like crazy.  But things have been rough.  Really rough.  And not just from this.  It's been rocky for a year, or longer, but it's been the kind of rough that results in a blowout every couple of weeks, where there are tears and shouting, and then can be forgotten about or attempted to be fixed.  We even went to couples therapy for months, and it seemed to be helping.

But then we went to Florida for a week in January, and came within a hairsbreadth of breaking up in the airport.

I'm realizing that ours is the kind of relationship that, if I were on the outside but knew all the details, would make me wonder why we're both sticking with it.  Which is not a comfortable or happy feeling to have.  And maybe it would be better if I moved home, and he stayed here, and we just let it go because maybe the truth is that there isn't anything broken here to fix, maybe the truth is that we just aren't right for each other.

But it's one thing to wonder about that, and another to think about how much fun we had on Saturday, getting drinks and going to the movies.  It's another thing to wonder whether he's actually going to be my date to my best friend's wedding in less than a month.  It's another thing to think about the life we have together and how much good there is and whether I'm really willing to give that up on the off-chance that we'd be happier without each other than with.

Because we are happy, a lot of the time.  We're used to each other, we can just hang out and be comfy and content, or we can kick it into gear and have a night out.

But I don't know. 

So this is why I've been incommunicado for the last few weeks, especially.  And it's also why I've mostly been keeping to myself for the last...year.  Or so.  Right now, I feel so on edge.  I won't know about the job for another two weeks, which means we're both under a lot of pressure, knowing that a decision will have to be made but unwilling and unable to make it right now.  It's like a train bearing down on us.

Most of my smiles lately have come from you guys, and I love that.  I'm sorry I've been so behind on so many things.  I promise I'll catch up, though I can't promise when.

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blueofthebay: (Default)

July 2012

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