blueofthebay: (fairy tales: sometimes)
[personal profile] blueofthebay


You know, I used to keep a diary because it would force me to be honest.  I wrote in it every day for two years of high school, and put in everything: how I felt, what I did, mistakes I made, fights I had. 

And LJ used to be good for that, too.  For a long time I put everything in here, and then I just...stopped.

There's a lot I've been meaning to put down for the last year, and I haven't, because writing it down forces me to be honest, and I haven't wanted to be honest about the way my life has gone, lately.  So I buried myself in one game, and then another, and TV shows and movies and pretended like everything was fine, but now it's all falling apart, so it's time for a little honesty.

A little over a month ago, I went home to Deerfield for my 10 year reunion.  Z came with me.  The week after, I went home again, this time for a job interview, which didn't work out.  Two weeks ago, I went back for one more, and this one seems like it will work out, which is fantastic in almost every way: it would be up to an thirteen thousand dollar raise, it would be in a place I love, near my family, where there are a million people my age.  There would be the chance to play music, and write.  There's the chance to do something I've wanted to do for years, and join the Reserves.

But if I take this job and move home, Z and I will break up, because he's not willing to move.



We've been together for four and half years.  We've been through all kinds of crap, and had so many amazing times.  I love him like crazy.  But things have been rough.  Really rough.  And not just from this.  It's been rocky for a year, or longer, but it's been the kind of rough that results in a blowout every couple of weeks, where there are tears and shouting, and then can be forgotten about or attempted to be fixed.  We even went to couples therapy for months, and it seemed to be helping.

But then we went to Florida for a week in January, and came within a hairsbreadth of breaking up in the airport.


I'm realizing that ours is the kind of relationship that, if I were on the outside but knew all the details, would make me wonder why we're both sticking with it.  Which is not a comfortable or happy feeling to have.  And maybe it would be better if I moved home, and he stayed here, and we just let it go because maybe the truth is that there isn't anything broken here to fix, maybe the truth is that we just aren't right for each other.

But it's one thing to wonder about that, and another to think about how much fun we had on Saturday, getting drinks and going to the movies.  It's another thing to wonder whether he's actually going to be my date to my best friend's wedding in less than a month.  It's another thing to think about the life we have together and how much good there is and whether I'm really willing to give that up on the off-chance that we'd be happier without each other than with.

Because we are happy, a lot of the time.  We're used to each other, we can just hang out and be comfy and content, or we can kick it into gear and have a night out.

But I don't know. 

So this is why I've been incommunicado for the last few weeks, especially.  And it's also why I've mostly been keeping to myself for the last...year.  Or so.  Right now, I feel so on edge.  I won't know about the job for another two weeks, which means we're both under a lot of pressure, knowing that a decision will have to be made but unwilling and unable to make it right now.  It's like a train bearing down on us.

Most of my smiles lately have come from you guys, and I love that.  I'm sorry I've been so behind on so many things.  I promise I'll catch up, though I can't promise when.

Date: 2012-07-09 02:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dramawench.livejournal.com
Oh honey, I am so so sorry. The last 6 months I was with my ex were some of the hardest times I have ever gone through.

I'm sure you are getting more than enough advice, but here's my tiny two cents: if this relationship is no longer making you happy and growing you as a person, it's ok to let it go. And don't be afraid to make the hard choice - you have a support system of people who love you very much.

I hope the job near home works out! It sounds like an incredible opportunity.

And I'm always around if you need to talk. <3 <3 <3

Date: 2012-07-09 03:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alemara.livejournal.com
Thanks, lady, I appreciate it ♥ And I can't wait to see you at D*Con again! There is a lot of awesome YA lit to discuss and people to stalk and panels to see.

I haven't gotten much in the way of advice because this is the first time I've actually spelled it out for me or anyone else, and I have to admit, it's not a good feeling. There's this pressure that won't let up.

Like Dory says, though, just keep swimming. Right?

Date: 2012-07-09 04:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dramawench.livejournal.com
Absolutely! Keep swimming.

Seriously, so much of the pressure about making a decision came from myself, so afraid of change and giving up, even though my relationship was awful and making me feel bad every day, that I stuck with it rather than deal with the unknown of being alone. And I so wish I had had the courage to end things earlier. It would have spared me so much heartache.

*massive hugs*

Date: 2012-07-09 03:29 pm (UTC)
regann: (Default)
From: [personal profile] regann
Oh, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I, too, have started writing less in my LJ for the same reason you have, but I'm trying to get into the habit again.

I also accepted a recent opportunity (new job) that it exciting and scary because it means leaving the job I've had for the last six years. Not the same as a relationship but it's still a weird break. So I know a little of what you're going through. /hugs

I hope you hear good news on the job and that you can make the decision that is best for you in the long run. <3

If you want to talk, I'm around!

Date: 2012-07-09 03:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alemara.livejournal.com
Thanks, lady, your sympathy is appreciated. I hope this new opportunity works out and is amazing for you! *hugs*

Date: 2012-07-09 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afullmargin.livejournal.com
Firstly: *extra hugs*

That said, when it comes down to it, right now you have to consider your priorities - moving would give you not only a better job (which from this side of things seems like a catalyst, but not the underlying issue) but an improved quality of life for you.

The options come down to trying to salvage a relationship or improving your situation in several ways. You are going to have to decide the lesser loss. What will make you happier?

Date: 2012-07-09 04:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alemara.livejournal.com
Yeah, I know. It's just making me miserable right now, and him, too, and if things do end up going that way, I would rather have an awesome month of enjoying each other instead of this, where we're both stressed out and sad. It's not like a break-up would happen because we're no longer happy together or because we fell out of love. He just wants one thing and I want another. Although admittedly even if I don't get the job, we're going to have to take a serious look at what's going on with us.

Which doesn't make it any easier to think about.

Date: 2012-07-09 04:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afullmargin.livejournal.com
*nod* I don't envy your position, hon. Relationships are difficult. :/

I think the best thing for both of you is just to be honest about things, with each other & yourselves. It's not the easy thing, but when it comes down to it if you're not approaching it openly & honestly you're only going to hurt worse.

<3 You're not alone, for what it's worth. I know I'm far from the only one here to provide cyber hugs & distraction as needed.

Date: 2012-07-09 04:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alemara.livejournal.com
Alllllll the hugs ♥ I promise I'll get my head back in the game writing-wise eventually. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

And you are totally right re: honesty. Best policy, and all that, even if it sucks right now.

Date: 2012-07-09 04:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afullmargin.livejournal.com
Done worry about writing, hon. RL comes first, always.

Date: 2012-07-09 04:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] in-the-blue.livejournal.com
Yeah, it sucks having to listen to our hearts when they tell us things we don't want to hear. Just remember that whatever you decide will be the right decision. Whatever you decide will have repercussions, and whatever those are, they'll straighten themselves out in the long run. Trust yourself and your instincts.

I am always available if you need a shoulder to cry on, or to not cry on. Long story short, I've got your back!

Date: 2012-07-09 04:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alemara.livejournal.com
Roger that, ma'am. You remain, as always, wise, and the best ♥ Whatever happens, happens, right?

Man. Adulthood. At least I can still eat what I want and go to bed as late as I feel like, right?

Date: 2012-07-09 04:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] in-the-blue.livejournal.com
Whatever happens happens, sure, but also, whatever needs to happen happens eventually. I know how crappy it is to be in a relationship that causes pain along with the good times, and how crappy it feels to have to make decisions about it because of that nagging but what if factor. Some people thrive on the arguments and hard times, and others don't. Finding that balance can be the toughest of tough things, and any kind of change can be risky. But it can also be rewarding.

Personally, I hated couples therapy when I did it, it was some asshole who didn't know us imposing his perspective on what we needed to do on our relationship, but that was just my experience and it was a long time ago. I was pretty sure I knew myself better than a stranger looking in. That was a different situation, of course.

But yes, you can still eat what you want and go to bed as late as you feel like, and live where you want and work where you want, and we all deserve to be supported in our decisions and desires. That's kind of a fundamental, as far as I'm concerned, and I want to see my friends supported in their decisions and desires by their loved ones too.

Date: 2012-07-09 04:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lostinapapercup.livejournal.com
Oh man, how much does it suck to be an adult sometimes. I don't envy these tough decisions, lady. The job sounds amazing, but I can't say I don't know a thing or two about doing stuff for love. This can't be easy, but you know what? I have full confidence in your ability to find the route that'll make you happiest in the long run.

And I certainly wish you all good luck and good times in the process! We're here for you!

Date: 2012-07-09 07:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alemara.livejournal.com
Thanks, lady! I appreciate the words of encouragement. Adulthood, man. I can already hear the G&T calling to me from my fridge.

Date: 2012-07-10 12:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darthrami.livejournal.com
Much much much love. ♥

Date: 2012-07-10 06:13 am (UTC)
silveraspen: silver trees against a blue sky background (almost nothing tea by jenna)
From: [personal profile] silveraspen
Oh, L. That is a whole lot of difficult plus some awesome and a lot of change and potential and general scary and stress crammed down on you at once. I'm so sorry.

I want to second basically everything that [livejournal.com profile] dramawench and [livejournal.com profile] in_the_blue said, and to echo that whatever you decide, we will be here for you.

Much love.

Date: 2012-07-24 08:29 am (UTC)
ashavah: ([Stargate] Smile)
From: [personal profile] ashavah
LJ has eaten this comment TWICE but I am determined. I fail so hard for not seeing this earlier, but I'm seeing it now, so I wanted to tell you that even though I'm sure my advice wouldn't be all that valuable, but I'm here for you. I hope that out of all this you manage to find some happiness, no matter how hard it seems, because you deserve that, because you are wonderful, hon. <3 <3 <3

And if you need me for anything, even if it's just ridiculousness and flights of fancy, I'm just an email away.

Here, Joe Flanigan has a gorgeous smile, and that's always good in your inbox, right?
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